It's not so much the monotany that I experience in school as opposed to the fact that it's a worthless institution. Considering I remember, out of the entire course, relatively few names, dates, people, and facts, 'tis not a difficult task to realize exactly why I find it so worthless, especially since the government decides whether you go to college or not based solely upon the facts of little bubbled-in charts and tests.
People, pardon the small-minded word for a second, but I do tend to believe that all of this is a perfect example of fecal matter of steers, or, in plainer English, bullshit.
Moving on with my yet boring life, I've lately been exploring the religious side of life, well, as I always have, but moreso lately. It seems that even though there was a time that I rejected belief in anything slightly religious, I am growing more and more fond of it. That's especially odd, considering that people tend to grow more interested in spirituality near the end of their life, not at the beginning. But hey, I'm not complaining (too much), I'm just trying to unearth whatever mysterious desire I have in me that doesn't seem to want to leave my soul-core as I go to sleep at night. I just feel as though I search for something, something so wonderful, something to make my life worth living. Hmm, I tend to believe I've "discovered" such a something every now and again, but that doesn't really verfiy the hollow in me, and it tends to be something that seems like a goal but is short-lived.
My friend Dustin taught me exactly what needed to be done, but then again, I had taken a glance at the subject in studying Buddhism beforehand. Struggling against life, wanting, craving, doing this, that, and the other, is what causes suffering. Pure and simple. The only way to really enjoy life, and make life over all joyful (hack hack, aside from taking your daily dose of prozac) is to merely exist, and not to stress out about all things that seem to tackle us along the garden path. Except make sure you dodge the venomous snakes, I wouldn't want to end my life THAT quickly, would you?
So everyone, the moral of the story is, whenever things get tough, take a deep breath, make a batch of pancakes, stick a geranium in your hat and be happy. ^___^ Yeah, yeah, you can order out for Chinese if you want, but I'd rather have pancakes at the moment considering that it is still the morning time.
Alrighty, friends, family, others, it's time to enter into the bout with that which made me deeply depressed a week ago today. My friend Ben, who I had cherished and loved to death for over a year, left for basic training in the Marine Corps. This set off a load of mental depression and low emotion, and for four days straight, four days straight, I tell you, I felt akin to a zombie of sorts. I didn't care to live, to speak, to breathe, to do anything, and I actually missed a couple of days from school, leaving me with a tremendous amount of make-up work, but not to fret, I can cope with the school work, if you consider that it honestly doesn't matter in the slightest to me.
Back to the ulterior point, I behaved as a complete ass to Ben the few days before he departed; this was a psychological effort to not let the true feelings I experienced at the time arise, for I wasn't positive as to how Ben would react in knowledge of them.
So, in response to 99% of the things we conversed about, I made smart-ass comments to him incessantly. Now I would hate myself for that, but I've gone through my transition phase to where I've decided that I'm going to be happy with my life regardless of the things that may come during that time. Anyway, the last day I spoke with him online, we had the oddest conversation/debate as to whether or not Britney Spears's breasts were fake or real. That sort of debate is 100% Ben and me, how we act to each other, our friendship, etc. Moving right along with this little story of heartache and depression, Ben made the comment one day about how he would never see me again. I remained silent and replied soon that I had given much thought to such an idea, and he made agreement that he, also, had given much thought to the fact that we would probably never see each other face to face again.
At the time, I couldn't clearly understand if Ben was saying such in an a manner of being rid of me at last, or if, in actuality, he was going to miss seeing me.
The answer to that soon came, a week ago, to me. He wrote a long-winded letter to me online about how he was really going to miss seeing me and that he was hoping that he would get to talk to me when he got out of basic. At the time I could have seriously poured out Niagra Falls from my eyes; however, it stayed within me, and the release I needed was never found. The crying, the mourning, came out in the form of depression, and suicidal thoughts amuk. To be quite blunt with you, I felt as though the sun, the moon, and all the stars had been stolen from the sky, that I would never see any sort of light again.
After a few days of making deals with the Devil (metaphorically, that is; this is what was said: "I need my soul mate to appear by the end of the week or I'll kill myself" ), drowning my sorrows (or at least attempting to) in alcohol, and feeling ultimately like my life had no purpose, as well has having my little counseling sessions with one of my old pals, I found something very interesting. On the last day possible, a new guy showed up to my school. Upon seeing him, my body grew incredibly warm, and I felt like I hadn't felt in so long- happy!
There is no verification thus far as to whether he's actually my soul mate. No hard-core evidence, such as his saying "I'm your soul mate". However, it's the whole situation that occurred....just how everything set itself up, that's the proof for me. Besides, the way I feel now, it most certainly has no matter if he is or isn't, I'm still a whole person with a small hole in me that will go on being a whole person with a small whole in me until the one who is right for me comes right along. But why not now, why not tomorrow? I'm sure everything is going to work out perfectly, otherwise it wouldn't be this perfect so far...
I'm signing off now. Have a wonderful life, I know I shall!!!!